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1. Zebra Crossings

I was driving comfortably along in town the other day - and that's pretty damn comfortably in the Allegro I can tell you - relaxed almost to the point of incontinence (as Allegro drivers usually are) when my stomach fell through the fine velour upholstery and onto the plush carpeting beneath the seat. I saw a black geezer loom from out of nowhere into the road in front of me and I didn’t have time to fart or swerve or brake before - whoosh - I missed him. Worse, he was on a zebra crossing!

Now before you get all aeriated reading this, thinking that I’m maybe implying that I wanted to run him over, then you are wrong - I even swerve to avoid moths that hurtle towards the dazzling glow of the headlights (why don’t all moths end up on the moon? - I suppose we’ll never know). No, the fact this chap was black is of no significance other than that this is a true story and I do not want to mislead anyone by distorting the facts for the sake of political correctness.

Shaking a little as I continued my journey, I thought “how much easier would it be to see people on pedestrian crossings if, instead of being black and white, they were painted, say, green and orange?” Then, as I continued to mull over the idea, an aroma of curry drifted from the streets through which I was driving and entered my nose, giving me pleasant thoughts of demolishing a takeaway. And that was it - click - the next BIG idea jammed itself into my unsuspecting brain! What if you painted the zebra crossings in colours which had some meaning, which gave some useful information about the area through which you were passing!

I instantly realised that the crossings should be colour-coded according to the type of food served in the majority of restaurants in the area. So if you wanted, for example, a Chinese, then instead of having to crawl along the road, peering in windows, laying oneself open to accusations of attempting to procure sex by payment, all you’d have to do would be to zoom along till you reached the correct colour zebra, screech to a halt somewhere nearby, nip out of the car and get the Fu-King chicken of your choice. Sorted.

Drawbacks? Well, zebras are black and white, so you’d probably have to call the new crossings something different, something named after more colourful animals - maybe a “puffin's bill crossing”, or a “baboon’s bum crossing”. Of course you’d then get a load of grief from the “I like zebras - what did you have to mess with the name for?” section of the community, but they’d soon get bored.

Remember though, in your haste to locate the culinary delicacy of your desire, don’t inadvertently bowl someone over who’s actually crossing one of the things. Or we’re right back where we started!