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2. Motorways

So the RAC reckons that if we were all more enlightened drivers and observed lane discipline on Britain's motorways we would gain an extra 700 miles of free space and could thereby travel more freely: you know, by moving over to the left-hand lane when we're not overtaking and using every spare inch of tarmac.

Of course it's true - there is that much wasted space in the system. But unfortunately, the cure is never going to happen.

We all know that the Volvo owner's manual supplied with every one of the effing things states that you simply must drive along the centre lane of the motorway at 65mph come what may. But even if we leave Volvos out of it for now, it is still an impossible trick to perform, or at least, to perform at any time of the day other than the early hours of the morning. Believe me, I've tried it.

For a start, when you move into the left hand lane with a decent amount of space between you and the lorry ahead, the tosser behind very properly moves into the centre lane to overtake you. But does the arsehole move out of the way back into the third lane when you indicate to go around the truck in front? Does he hell. You're stuck there! Slamming on the brakes is all you're left with and you get so pissed off you never try it again.

Then there's the closing speed. It's all very well to come up behind a car doing 70 and have to slow down a bit. But some of these caravans towing Transits are flat out at 25. IT HURTS WHEN YOU HIT 'EM!

So as you can see, the problem doesn't lie with the people not moving to the inside to use up all the spare space in the inside lane. It's the wankers who won't let you out again once you've done it. Once more it's the Volvo mentality. "I've got this effing lane and it belongs to me!"

What's the solution then? Well it's obvious. The middle lane is where everyone wants to be - we feel comfy in the middle lane thinking "it's not the arsehole's lane going so slow I could compose me own bogey sculpture and stick it to the steering wheel, and I'm not holding up the race-rocket hand-down-the-pants Mercedes van drivers on the outside whose spots are yet to erupt into their full flourish of seventeen year old pustulation".

So the answer is you make the middle lane the ...S...L...O...W... lane. You can overtake on either side, but in the middle it's "chill out and take your time". The lorries can still use it (they're not allowed in the third) and they can wander over to the left if they need to get by a bicycle or milk float or traction engine, or that geezer wearing a hat.

And the Volvo drivers would be stuck there, all in a row, just like they always have been.

Job done - what you reckon?