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3. The Pussy Police

What is it with lady coppers nowadays? They never used to be like this. For a start, they're so SHORT.

I got pulled the other day on a windy (that's curvy not blowing a gale) back road for overtaking three cars on a blind bend and it was dark and the one behind the one behind me was a cop car. OK - great quantities of flashing blue in the mirror gave me an inkling of what was to come and I dutifully pulled over to allow the constabulary to catch up with me, which they did, and out of the traffic car got this WPC. Well she couldn't have been more than 5 foot one - it was like being bollocked by a kid at junior school. Give her credit though - she had a sense of humour. First thing she did was laugh and say, "Now you're going to have to overtake them all again!" Then she snuggled up to me and sort of nuzzled herself against my chest while she asked me a few questions, like: "Have you been driving long?" and that sort of stuff. What's going on here? I wondered, till just as suddenly she unattached herself and said I was free to go. I realise I'm a bit slow of thought, but I didn't work it out till I was driving off again - she was getting in close so she could smell my breath! Nice one - we could do with more of that!

Then there was the time I spotted my daughter's bike, which had been stolen 8 months previously, padlocked to some railings. When I went to the police station, the tiny slip of a WPC said she'd just go and get her bolt croppers and accompany me to the crime scene. She nipped out the back, and when she reappeared she was carrying some top quality Made-in-China ironware that was bigger than she was! I followed her outside and noticed she walked all lop-sided just carrying the things! She could have cut the bloody bike in half if she'd wanted and saved damaging the tea-leaf's chain.

Then there was another time, very recently, when I got the ultimate shock. I was being a bit naughty, but nothing specially anti-social, when out of the car, sporting handcuffs, CS gas, giant-baton, radio, first aid kit and swiss army penknife, there arose before me the most gorgeous copper I'd ever seen! What can you do in that situation? Long dark hair, brown eyes that just melted me like a cheese toastie, long long legs and a cute little nose - I just knew I wanted to be arrested. So I called her an ugly bitch but also told her I wouldn't let that put me off if she was desperate……

And did it work? Did I get to feel my heart pound as she cuffed me? Did I hear her whisper those magic words, "Would you mind blowing into this?" Did she thrust me over the bonnet of her car and frisk me down the inside of my thighs for an unseen weapon? Not a chance! All she did was summon her mate (who was obviously a prop-forward for the All Filth XV) who chucked me in the back of a police van without my feet even touching the ground. She knew how to break a heart.